87
When I was in my undergraduate fiction courses, one of my professors gave us a rundown of different publications that we, without extensive resumes, might be able to get our work published in. My favorite of these was Spread Magazine, a periodical dedicated to desensationalizing the lives of sex workers within the United States.
While at first glance Spread seems like it must be one of many magazines dedicated to the denigration women, upon reading one finds it has a much more feminist foundation. The zine was founded with the "aim to build community and destigmatize sex work by providing a forum for the diverse voices of individuals working in the sex industry." I know that many would find this mission does little to make the subject less offensive and denigrating, and in many ways I agree. However, I fully endorse any and every attempt to educate the public on an issue - especially one as taboo as this one - and support all individuals' rights to make their own person choices. Similarly, it is refreshing to see that the magazine is not fluff porn, instead making a heartfelt attempt to get its readers to seriously consider their opinions about the sex trade and the right of women (and men) to take part in it.
Spread still does pack a bit of the whimsy you might expect (though whimsy probably isn't the best word). The most recent issue has an interview I simply must read entitled The Queen Mother: Nina Hartley on Pregnancy and MILF Porn. I must admit that it is very unlikely that the article will be as entertaining as its name suggests. However, I am contractually obligated to read every and any piece of literature that involves the word MILF. Please, don't ask why. It's personal.
83
The concept is that inept nationals from different countries will be challenged with infiltrating their home governments and wreaking zealous havoc from within.
Palin will provide counseling for the contestants peppered with her fabulous catchphrases, "Can you make it more maverick?" and, "I'm sorry, Tanya, you've been deported."
Seriously, though, will her fifteen minutes die already? I'm only consoled by the fact that even she seems to have accepted that she's an absolute joke.
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81
Manager of Justin Bieber Arrested for not Tweeting Fast Enough
Also, looking for a picture, I found this hilariously-themed conspiracy theory piece:
Justin Bieber NOT Dead
Quote from the article: "Some think the rumors may have started because Justin hadn’t updated his Twitter for a bit, but as we all know, even celebrities need to take a break from the internet once in a while!"
I think Bieber has a good excuse for his absence: it takes a lot of time in the studio to completely destroy the state of contemporary music.
75
I woke up this morning to discover to the chagrin of my chin grin that ye old God of tellyvision Comcast had arbitrarily changed half of my channels to DIGITAL and they would no longer play on my antiquated three year old TV. Comcast generously informed me with a static image on each of the blocked channels that I could get them back, oh dilly willy oh oh, I just need to fork over a measly wad of cash every month to get one of their digital boxes.
DEAR COMCAST: I thought we had a deal: You send me an inflated bill for entertainment you do not yourself produce and I pay that bill. One of the caveats of this deal is that you actually send me this entertainment. I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO GIVE YOU MORE MONEY SO THAT YOUR CABLE ACTUALLY BRINGS TV THINGS. Also, you smell unseemly.
Fortunately, this did not affect my glorious TBS or Comedy Central. Had it, words and fists a plenty would've been had.
UNfortunately, however, this change murdered my precious Cartoon Network. With it goes my two favorite animated shows, Chowder and The Misadventures of Flapjack. DAMN YOU, COMCAST. Anyone who is anyone knows that the most crapulent of cartoons are played on the Cartoon Network. As well, anyone who is anyone knows that I have the maturity of a seven year old, which puts me just above the Nickelodeon crowd and just below fans of Naruto. Not having these cartoons will wither my soul like Candace Bergen at the Optomist International Annual Happiness Hullabaloo.
Anyway, here's an open-casket wake for these shows now gone forever from my television (because god knows I am not giving those bastards another penny):
74
I find this song by Beast bizarre and hypnotic. Angry French-Candian white lady rap is the new hip hop?
The song reminds me of this number by TheThe, which is equally strange and mesmerizing:
73
Jupiter: Where Neon Falls Like Rain (Not to be confused with Neptune, where diamonds snow from the sky)
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I went to the doctor’s for a checkup and he said, “I hate to tell you this, but your days are numbered.” and I said, “Doc, I hate to tell you this, but that’s how people keep track of them.”
68
Three gays were discussing what they thought their favorite sport would be.
The first says, "Definitely football. You know, 'cause of all those gorgeous guys bending over in their tight pants."
"I think wrestling," sighs the second guy. "Those skimpy little costumes, and think of the holds."
"Definitely baseball," says the third guy.
The other two are confused. "Why?" they ask.
"Well," he says, "I'd be pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a line drive right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the other guys rounded the bases. Meanwhile the crowd would be going crazy, screaming, 'Throw the ball, throw the ball, you cocksucker!"
"And that's what I like - the recognition."
66
Clearly they selected the best and brightest to create the form for the 2010 census. Examples:
1. No LGBT identifier. Enough said.
2. The first person to fill out the form creates a "race" identifier for the entire household. Forget my house, where there are eight individuals of varying backgrounds. What about interracial couples? You better study your children carefully and figure out if you want to characterize their home as white, or black, or Asian, or whatever race you belong to, but not your spouse/partner. Seriously idiotic.
3. Individuals may only be male or female. God forbid they remember that they live in the 21st century and show respect for sexual identity differences.
4. The Census is literally a giant chart with two questions: what sex and what color are you? This kind of specificity will certainly solve all of our nation's woes.
65
Chuck Klosterman's 23 Questions: These are the 23 questions he asks everyone before he can decide whether or not he ‘really loves them’
8. You meet the perfect person. Romantically, this person is ideal:
You find them physically attractive, intellectually stimulating,
consistently funny, and deeply compassionate. However, they have one
quirk: This individual is obsessed with Jim Henson’s gothic puppet
fantasy The Dark Crystal. Beyond watching it on DVD at least once a
month, he/she peppers casual conversation with Dark Crystal
references, uses Dark Crystal analogies to explain everyday events,
and occasionally likes to talk intensely about the film’s “deeper
philosophy.” Would this be enough to stop you from marrying this
individual?
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