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Jupiter: Where Neon Falls Like Rain (Not to be confused with Neptune, where diamonds snow from the sky)
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I went to the doctor’s for a checkup and he said, “I hate to tell you this, but your days are numbered.” and I said, “Doc, I hate to tell you this, but that’s how people keep track of them.”
68
Three gays were discussing what they thought their favorite sport would be.
The first says, "Definitely football. You know, 'cause of all those gorgeous guys bending over in their tight pants."
"I think wrestling," sighs the second guy. "Those skimpy little costumes, and think of the holds."
"Definitely baseball," says the third guy.
The other two are confused. "Why?" they ask.
"Well," he says, "I'd be pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a line drive right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the other guys rounded the bases. Meanwhile the crowd would be going crazy, screaming, 'Throw the ball, throw the ball, you cocksucker!"
"And that's what I like - the recognition."
66
Clearly they selected the best and brightest to create the form for the 2010 census. Examples:
1. No LGBT identifier. Enough said.
2. The first person to fill out the form creates a "race" identifier for the entire household. Forget my house, where there are eight individuals of varying backgrounds. What about interracial couples? You better study your children carefully and figure out if you want to characterize their home as white, or black, or Asian, or whatever race you belong to, but not your spouse/partner. Seriously idiotic.
3. Individuals may only be male or female. God forbid they remember that they live in the 21st century and show respect for sexual identity differences.
4. The Census is literally a giant chart with two questions: what sex and what color are you? This kind of specificity will certainly solve all of our nation's woes.
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Chuck Klosterman's 23 Questions: These are the 23 questions he asks everyone before he can decide whether or not he ‘really loves them’
8. You meet the perfect person. Romantically, this person is ideal:
You find them physically attractive, intellectually stimulating,
consistently funny, and deeply compassionate. However, they have one
quirk: This individual is obsessed with Jim Henson’s gothic puppet
fantasy The Dark Crystal. Beyond watching it on DVD at least once a
month, he/she peppers casual conversation with Dark Crystal
references, uses Dark Crystal analogies to explain everyday events,
and occasionally likes to talk intensely about the film’s “deeper
philosophy.” Would this be enough to stop you from marrying this
individual?
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