Virtual Flaneurism

Given that I hit my year blogoversary the other day, I thought I'd give you some geographical facts about visitors to the blog. Why? Because it interests me, that's why.

In the past year, VF has had visitors from 65 countries, representing each of the six normal, non-penguin laden continents. The top ten countries were:

1. USA
2. Canada
3. Chile
4. Brazil
5. UK
6. Germany
7. France
8. Taiwan
9. Australia
10. Italy

Looking at at that list, I have to wonder why my humor appeals only to Eurocentric nationalities. I thought that the cat videos would get me hits from South Korea at the very least. I'm going to blame internet blockage for this discrepancy. Shame on you, China. Let your people see children fall down! It is the democratic way.

Let's move a little closer: to America.

First, let me send out a big eat it to Hawaii and North Dakota. Every state got its shit together this year and had one of their residents look at my damn blog -- except for you two.

Hawaii I'll cut some slack - as I stated above, apparently I don't appeal to the Eastern sense of humor. Plus Hawaii's like really, really far away (that matters for the internet, right?). But North Dakota? What on earth could people in North Dakota have been doing that got in the way of visiting this blog? I'm going to blame it on computer illiteracy due to mass inbreeding and move on.

Our top ten states (and enclaves, since D.C. is at the tippity top of the list):

1. D.C.
2. New York
3. Virginia
4. Texas
5. California
6. Maryland
7. Pennsylvania
8. Illinois
9. Ohio
10. Delaware

I am perfectly satisfied by the Mid-Atlantic tilt of this top ten. Seriously, do I have a demographic or what? Kisses to you, my longitudinally middling brethren. We have been unfairly lodged between a hick/yankee war for too long. Let us meet at the Bennigans and rejoice in our splendor.

Finally, U.S. Cities. Don't get your hopes up, Duluth.

1. Washington, D.C.
2. New York, NY
3. Austin, TX
4. Arlington, VA
5. Ft. Myer, VA
6. East Syracuse, NY
7. Takoma Park, MD
8. Columbus, OH
9. Herndon, VA
10. Bear, DE

Things I learned from this list: There is apparently a place in America called Bear. Also, diverse Virginians love sassy cats.

I apologize for this post. It's just a half post, though! It doesn't really count.

Don't worry, more poop jokes and cats to come.

Graciously stolen from Diana.

This song shares many qualities with Gaga's "Speechless"...though obviously it predates Gaga by at least a year.

I was setting up to post this video, and I just had to reflect: I post some weird ass shit on this blog.

I've been pleasantly surprised by how much I am enjoying the new Britney album, though the synthesized effects used in a number of the songs confuse me. I keep hearing 8-bit bleeps and boops that sound like NES video game sound effects coming through the speakers of my parents' old 500 pound Zenith television. And, on the song below, is that a recorder? At least these choices will make for a smooth transfer to the karaoke stage.

PS. Despite all my bitching, I have to admit that the refrain to this song is eminently hummable. EMINENTLY. I defy you not to spend the rest of the day drunkenly slurring, "it isssn't rational, it's phyzzzzical." Though that wouldn't be humming, but I digress.

Sources say that the moon is going to come unusually close to the Earth this weekend, all whilst being majestically full, like a single glowing boob resting gracefully in a brassiere of stars. Alex Balk of the Awl is not so excited:

"Okay, listen up, moon, I don't like you and you don't like me. So when I hear that you're going to be at your fullest and closest this weekend I know what it's all about: revenge. You're obviously still pissed off about that thing where we tried to blow you the fuck up. You're going to sit there, looking close enough to touch, but actually "some 211,600 miles (356,577 km) away." You want me to think I can finally take a swing at you and look ridiculous as I flail about because you're actually hiding safely away in space like the gigantic pussy you are. Forget it, I'm not falling for it. As much as you deserve it—and man, how I would like to punch your stupid reflective lights out—I am not taking part in any of your sick, pathetic mind games. FUCK YOU, MOON! NOBODY CARES HOW CLOSE YOU LOOK. Perigee this, you useless chunk of discarded Earth garbage."

Obligatory video:

I've got a new ass-grabbingly good-looking recipe for you today, my little piglets. Feast your eyes on the Pie-La Deen:

Pie-La Deen

Mac & Cheese Pie Studded with Deep-Fried Mac & Cheese Balls with a Lattice Bacon Top

Makes one 9" deep pie or 10" regular pie

for pastry:
2 cups flour
1/4 tspn salt
6 oz. extra sharp cheddar cheese, coarsely grated
2/3 cup butter, cold and cut into cubes
1 Tbspn tabasco sauce
5 Tbspn ice water

1. Combine the flour and salt in a bowl.
2. Using a pastry cutter, cut in the grated cheddar cheese and cold butter into the flour until the size of small peas.
3. Gradually add the tabasco sauce and the ice water one tablespoon at a time until, when you press the dough between your fingers, it holds together. Do not overmix!
4. Wrap the dough in parchment paper or plastic wrap and chill for at least 1 hour.
5. Preheat oven to 425 degrees F.
6. Remove the dough from the refrigerator roll it out, about 1/8" thick. Place the dough into the pie plate and crimp the edge. Using a fork, pierce the bottom of the crust several times.
7. If the dough has become soft from rolling, place the prepared pie plate in the freezer for about 5-10 minutes.
9. Line the inside of the pie crust with parchment paper and fill with pie weights or dry beans.
10. Bake for 15-17 minutes, then remove from oven. Remove the beans and parchment paper and line the edge of the pie crust with foil. Return to the oven for 5-7 more minutes until the crust is golden. Remove. Keep the oven on.

For filling and topping:
mac'n'cheese*
seven deep-fried mac'n'cheese balls
bacon

11. Spread a layer of mac'n'cheese at the bottom of the pie. Top with the seven deep-fried mac'n'cheese balls and fill the pie with the remaining mac'n'cheese.
12. Create a lattice top with bacon, making sure to cut the bacon strips long, since they will shrink in the oven.
13. Return to the 425 degree oven for about 8-10 minutes until the bacon is cooked. Remove.
14. Serve with hot sauce and maple syrup. (or don't, because that's fucking weird)

*PERSONAL INTERLUDE FROM YOUR VIRTUAL FLANEURISM HOST:

In a recipe blog EPIC FAIL, this run-down for how to make mac 'n cheese pie includes no explanation for how to make mac 'n cheese. I imagine they don't expect you to be boiling up a pot of Kraft Scooby Doo Easy Mac, so I'm going to be a nice guy and share with you my fatty shit-show version of mac 'n cheese. Be frightened by the fact that I have made this recipe so very often that I have it memorized. Be further frightened by the IMMINENT EXCESSIVE CALORIES NOM NOM NOM:

CHEESUS CHRIST THIS IS GOOD MAC 'N CHEESE RECIPE

Ingredients:

- 1 lbs or more (it doesn't matter as long as there is enough cheese sauce) of the fanciest-shaped noodles you can find. Any pasta will do, but do you really want to be that guy serving fucking elbow macaroni? Be a boss and buy some fancy ass orecchiette shells.
- 5 tbsp. butter
- 1 1/2 cups flour
- 1 1/2 cups heavy cream
- 1 cup buttermilk
- 16 oz. medium or sharp cheddar
- 16 oz. of any block cheese your sweet little face desires (I suggest making this recipe a few times and trying a variety - pepper jack is good, as is gruyere (or its slutty cousin swiss). Cheeses similar to cheddar are all fine and good but won't do anything to mix up the flavor).
- A handful of sea or kosher salt. We're talking big grains.
- OPTIONAL: bacon pieces, fried onions, garlic salt, chili pepper, your tongue in the bowl

Note: I should share that I invariably botch this recipe every time I attempt it and it still comes out fork-licking tasty. Namely, I decide to make mac 'n cheese when I'm on the phone with my mother at the store, fail to pay attention to anything I'm buying, and come home with half & half and whipping cream instead of the above mentioned milk products. It doesn't matter. The only proviso I'd make is this: if you can't find buttermilk, add a quarter cup or so of vinegar to whatever cow juice you do buy. Problem solved, buckaroo.

1. Melt butter in saucepan. Whisk in flour and stir until slightly browned.
2. Add in dairy products. Bring to boil while whisking vigorously. Or sort of half-assed. I assume you're dancing to some BritBrit, so why don't you just whisk to the beat.
3. Oops, you forgot to cook the pasta. Follow the box instructions, fool.
4. Pour in the many grated cheeses. Stir until they melt and join with the milk products. Bitch, look at you! You just made a rue. That's like half of the French naturalization exam right there.
5. Add the salt and whatever extra crap your fat ass decided to include in this recipe. Bacon is a must unless you're a vegetarian, in which case I suggest you get the hell out of my kitchen.
6. Stir in the fancy pasta.
7. Mange, mon frere. This makes literally a shit ton of pasta, so you probably are going to want to share/buy larger pants. Your choice.

`

Sassy baby is sassy.